July 4th

I was able to keep myself busy last night I went for dinner with Jeremys mom and her friend at uncle Dave's.  The food was horrible as well as the service but it was nice to visit with people and keep distracted from missing jer. I spent the night at Jeremys but it wasn't the same without him there beside me in his bed. But I managed to have a very good sleep. 
I'm working today at the salon 9-5 and it's somewhat of a rough day for me due to the fact that it's the anniversary of my aunties death today.  I wish Jeremy was here.. he makes everything feel a little better.

Don't know what I've got planned for tonight.  Might do some more reading or watching my TV shows.  The busier I keep myself the better. 

Summer 2014 July 3rd.

Today is day 3 of Jeremy away at work & it's also my day off.  Keeping myself busy is my hardest task so that I don't go insane of boredom.  On Tuesday was Canada day which was day 1 of Jeremy working up north for the first time. I spent the the day with my mom and youngest brother kobe, we went to Polson park and listened to the music and walked around to look at what people had set up and we watched kobe at the skatepark on his scooter. We eventually got annoyed with the crowd and lack of space so we picked up our dog scruffy and ventured off to kin beach and laid out in the sun for a few hours and dipped our feet in the water. That was a good day :)

On Wednesday I worked all day it was a long day since it wasn't too busy. It was kind of an off day for me though,  just didn't feel right without having Jeremy close by in town.

This morning I went to the Vernon farmers market and walked through the whole market and looked at all the near things on display. I got a temporary henna tattoo for the first time. Bought a bundle of lavender for my mom and discovered lavington roses, they smelt beautiful.  Probably the best roses I've ever seen. Made me very happy at that moment.  From there I stopped by my mom's work on her break and gave her the lavender. I drove over to the mall and walked around and bought 2 books and visited with my cousin and drank tea at her work which is coincidently enough called "tea desire" . It's always nice to catch up with her. After that I bought myself lunch and sat in the food court to eat.  Than headed over to my mom's place to relax and read my book "crossing the line" written by Megan hart . Today has been a good day, no doubt about it that I miss Jeremy most.

January. 21st 2013

Feelings... Oh how they can tear you apart at times, esspecially when you are alone. I've been so isolated in my own world for the longest time, I have no idea what it feels like to have close friends anymore. When I was with tyler I thought I had friends, but they were his friends not my own. So when me and him split up, there was no one left for me to talk to.

It hit me so hard back than to the point where I just gave up. I didn't bother trying to make any new friends because I thought i was so close to those people that I hung out with almost everyday.. but it was almost fake, I cared about them and I would have done anything for them if they needed me. It was almost my imagination and than as soon as I came back to realitiy they were gone.

Making friends seems a lot more difficult these days, not just the people you meet and talk to once in a while, but I mean the people you can call and wake up in the middle in the night just to tell them how you feel and that you just need to talk. I've gotten so used to being alone and not having those people to talk to that its starting to feel like it is the way its supposed to be, but as I sit here thinking... who am I going to tell when i'm having the worst day or someone other than my boyfriend. Its nice talking to joe but sometimes I just want to rant about everything with someone and I've done that so much with joe that it feels like I've over done it.

I think the only thing I need is a "coffee buddy/ texting buddy" Someone who i can just say "hey lets go for coffee i got some bitchen about to let go of" or someone I can text and tell them how annoying the person sitting next to me is.

If only someone could really see how much I've grown as a person, and realize I'm not that bad of a girl. lol

I read over my blogs that i've had in the past, and i literally had a flavor of the month of a guy, which is HORRIBLE, but i mean i was young and didn't know what a relationship really was, now that i've settled down and looked at a realationship its something i can stick with alot easier.

I wonder what a person would really think if they read my blog right now.. through the tears, the pregnancy, the eating problems, the constant jump between people.. if only people knew.

January.8th. 2013

When is being skin & bone start making you feel beautiful?

This is the question that haunts not only me but millions of young girls out there in the world. When is it okay to stop the constant judgement towards yourself? When is it okay to eat that extra big meal that you've been waiting for. Some people want to know how or why it happends, and I'm going to tell you my truth, its only going to be my truth. The reason why I do it or how it came to this for me, I'm not speaking for all girls. I'm speaking for myself and the girls who are doing the exact same thing I'm doing.

I am now 17 years old, I am 5 foot 8 and have now gone down to 110 lbs, the average weight for a female my age and heigh is between 120-132 lbs. I do not intentionally starve myself, I do not make myself throw up. .I'm not even that far below the "average" weight, but I still struggle. I have no fat, I have no muscle, I am simply skin and bone. And people say I'm beautiful and I'm tiny. But they don't know the whole story, yes they notice that you can see my collar bone quite clearly and that I wear smaller clothing than I used to, but it's gotten to the point now where I can't stop losing weight. Is it a medical problem or is it a phycological problem, is my brain telling me to not eat or is it my body not being able to physically eat. Should I see a doctor or is it just a "Stage" these are some of the questions that go through my head. Than I look at all the other girls and listen to them and hear what they say. "I wish I was skinner, I wish I was as small as you" Am I supposed to look like this. I dont think they realize that i'm a bit too skinny, but how would I. I wear baggier shirts, hide behind layers of clothing, they don't know that you can see my spine clearly they dont know you can see my rips in the front and on my back, they don't know that my hips are sticking out and that my stomach as sunken in. They don't realize that i've gone pale, how would they I wear make up that is too dark for me to mask it. Its all a mask, when i'm hungery I eat, so I don't starve myself in that way, but when I'm hungery its usually once a day and I get full really fast.
They tell me I have a high matabolizim but I think its much more than that, its a problem.

When is being skinny supposed to make you feel more beautiful? I'm happy but I don't feel beautiful. I'm told I'm beautiful all the time, and I always tell my self that, but when is the feeling supposed to be there? So many questions that lead to empty awnsers. When is there going to be a truth behind what people tell you. "You're fine" "Its normal" "I was the same way at your age" " It'll change when you get older" "You're not too skinny" "You're beautiful no matter what you look like"
There is no truth.
I'm ready to start telling the truth.

I am too skinny. I am very unhealthy. I am starving. I am physcially not able to eat when I should be eating.

Is it beautiful?

May. 31st. 2012

FUUUUUUUUUCCKKK!
I got Isaiahs SHIT on my hand today, god dammit. Grossest thing EVER. lol It was the worst and most tramatic thing that has ever happened it me. Annnd also, when i went out for a smoke and came back in LILY got into the baby cream and had it all over her legs, face, dress, and hands... that was a gong show.
Now she is in time-out, isaiah is in the jolly jumper & im eating a popsicle! :)

OH! i got lots of goodies from the bakery tooooo :)
today has been quite eventful. & im super happy cause im with my man.

May. 29th. 2012

Tuesday & I'm at home, had a denstist appointment today, my mouth is still in quite a bit of pain.. since i have an infection & CRIPT GLANS.. kinda sounds cool.. but its not. Had a nice nap with Joe today, he's soooo cute when he sleeps :P

I wrote on him today, while he was sleeping, its funny cause i asked him if I could do it, and he agreed and he didn't even know it.. i love how he talks in sleep! Telling me i'm on his glasses, even though he doesn't have glasses... even though he clearly stated that he needs them to read.. when he doesn't necessarily read right now, and he has perfect vision... hes such a cutie.

I won't beable to see Joe for a couple of days, so i'm going to try to do ALL i can to keep myself busy for the time being, i got so addicted to hanging out with him that it feels so weird that I won't see him in the morning or after school. god dammit, i love that kid.

Well nothing much else to say at the moment, im probably going to go watch a movie or something.. ALLL BBBYYY MYYSEEEELLLFFFF! :(

May. 27th . 2012

Sunday, School tomorrow :( Feels like this weekend went by way to fast for my likings. Oh well, another week at COSMO shouldn't be all that bad, other than the fact that ALL I want to do is lay in the sun drink some of my favorite drinks & tan the day away. Unfourtunatly I can't do that, well at least I only have 3-4 weeks left of school until summer, well than I'll be working at the salon for like the wholeish summer. Well at least I'll be getting my hours in, the sooner i get them done the sooner I can get my hairdressing ticket.

Isaiah & Lily come home today, which is pretty exciting. It'll be a big change having them home, I hope all goes well which I'm sure it will. Joe is sleeping like every other day other than Tuesday & Wednesday when its his days off. He told me to wake him up at 1... dun dun dun, will it really be 1:00 or will it end up being 3:00. Im sure he will get up on time this time, since we gotta get the crib together etc.

Time has been going by so quickly, it kind of scares me a bit... next thing you know i'll be moving out of my my moms place, getting a job & supporting myself. I'm really worried that I won't beable to get a good paying job here... its crossed my mind a few times that I might have to move away somewhere up north or even to Alberta to be able to make enough money fast enough to get well up and on my feet. Since the economy has gone to shit lately. Gotta take it one step at a time I suppose.

Times have changed, and so have we.

We will both be more happy now,

since we have eachother .

I love you.

<3