January. 21st 2013

Feelings... Oh how they can tear you apart at times, esspecially when you are alone. I've been so isolated in my own world for the longest time, I have no idea what it feels like to have close friends anymore. When I was with tyler I thought I had friends, but they were his friends not my own. So when me and him split up, there was no one left for me to talk to.

It hit me so hard back than to the point where I just gave up. I didn't bother trying to make any new friends because I thought i was so close to those people that I hung out with almost everyday.. but it was almost fake, I cared about them and I would have done anything for them if they needed me. It was almost my imagination and than as soon as I came back to realitiy they were gone.

Making friends seems a lot more difficult these days, not just the people you meet and talk to once in a while, but I mean the people you can call and wake up in the middle in the night just to tell them how you feel and that you just need to talk. I've gotten so used to being alone and not having those people to talk to that its starting to feel like it is the way its supposed to be, but as I sit here thinking... who am I going to tell when i'm having the worst day or someone other than my boyfriend. Its nice talking to joe but sometimes I just want to rant about everything with someone and I've done that so much with joe that it feels like I've over done it.

I think the only thing I need is a "coffee buddy/ texting buddy" Someone who i can just say "hey lets go for coffee i got some bitchen about to let go of" or someone I can text and tell them how annoying the person sitting next to me is.

If only someone could really see how much I've grown as a person, and realize I'm not that bad of a girl. lol

I read over my blogs that i've had in the past, and i literally had a flavor of the month of a guy, which is HORRIBLE, but i mean i was young and didn't know what a relationship really was, now that i've settled down and looked at a realationship its something i can stick with alot easier.

I wonder what a person would really think if they read my blog right now.. through the tears, the pregnancy, the eating problems, the constant jump between people.. if only people knew.

January.8th. 2013

When is being skin & bone start making you feel beautiful?

This is the question that haunts not only me but millions of young girls out there in the world. When is it okay to stop the constant judgement towards yourself? When is it okay to eat that extra big meal that you've been waiting for. Some people want to know how or why it happends, and I'm going to tell you my truth, its only going to be my truth. The reason why I do it or how it came to this for me, I'm not speaking for all girls. I'm speaking for myself and the girls who are doing the exact same thing I'm doing.

I am now 17 years old, I am 5 foot 8 and have now gone down to 110 lbs, the average weight for a female my age and heigh is between 120-132 lbs. I do not intentionally starve myself, I do not make myself throw up. .I'm not even that far below the "average" weight, but I still struggle. I have no fat, I have no muscle, I am simply skin and bone. And people say I'm beautiful and I'm tiny. But they don't know the whole story, yes they notice that you can see my collar bone quite clearly and that I wear smaller clothing than I used to, but it's gotten to the point now where I can't stop losing weight. Is it a medical problem or is it a phycological problem, is my brain telling me to not eat or is it my body not being able to physically eat. Should I see a doctor or is it just a "Stage" these are some of the questions that go through my head. Than I look at all the other girls and listen to them and hear what they say. "I wish I was skinner, I wish I was as small as you" Am I supposed to look like this. I dont think they realize that i'm a bit too skinny, but how would I. I wear baggier shirts, hide behind layers of clothing, they don't know that you can see my spine clearly they dont know you can see my rips in the front and on my back, they don't know that my hips are sticking out and that my stomach as sunken in. They don't realize that i've gone pale, how would they I wear make up that is too dark for me to mask it. Its all a mask, when i'm hungery I eat, so I don't starve myself in that way, but when I'm hungery its usually once a day and I get full really fast.
They tell me I have a high matabolizim but I think its much more than that, its a problem.

When is being skinny supposed to make you feel more beautiful? I'm happy but I don't feel beautiful. I'm told I'm beautiful all the time, and I always tell my self that, but when is the feeling supposed to be there? So many questions that lead to empty awnsers. When is there going to be a truth behind what people tell you. "You're fine" "Its normal" "I was the same way at your age" " It'll change when you get older" "You're not too skinny" "You're beautiful no matter what you look like"
There is no truth.
I'm ready to start telling the truth.

I am too skinny. I am very unhealthy. I am starving. I am physcially not able to eat when I should be eating.

Is it beautiful?