August . 1st . 2011

At this very moment i am laying on a uncomfortable airmatress with Tyler Strother .<3

Summer is going good so far, i haven’t blogged in forever , probably should start

May.18th.2011

I would do anything to make mine and Jeremy's relationship work. We hit a bump in the road, and i did something that i should have known that i shouldn't have done. So we took a break, but we are slowly working things out. And I'm so glad that we are.  Cause i don’t want to lose him, he means way to much to me.

Honestly , in my past relationships i wouldn’t have cared.. i would have just let it end and have it done with.. but with Jeremy its different. I don’t want it ever to end.

Il hopefully be seeing him Friday or Tuesday. So that me and him can sit down and talk , i have so much that i want to tell him. And i want to know how he really feels about me, I'm still a bit worried that i feel more about him than he does me.. When we didn’t talk for those couple of days i had a lot of time to think. The feeling of not having him killed me, it felt so useless and i honestly didn’t care what ever could have happened to me.

I have been writing a lot of poetry again .. It’s been a while since i have done so. Its probably because of all the emotions i have been going through lately . I just have so much to write down, i guess it helps me recognize what is really going on in my head. Because some times i don’t even know what is happening .

Mom said that i should start joining groups to help me, she says that she is worried about me . So i am signed up for a grief consoling group, and a relaxation training group. Makes me feel like a manic.

Hopefully I’ll be moving into town soon, it will be much more easier for me and my family . Mom says there is nothing out here for her anymore .. i can tell she is very lonely. And it hurts me to see her like this.

Deeeeep deeeep deeeeeeeep down  , i feel really sad. I don’t know why.. i just do. I think i just need a big hug, and someone to have a good talk with, and just lay there. I don’t want to talk to strangers.. i rather talk to someone who can be there for me, and that i can trust. Any volunteers? … I can’t wait until summer.

April.26.2011

I have had a pretty good day today ! I got my mid term report card , i got an A in PE , A in English, A in Planning, and a B in socials, and a C- in stagecraft ! (: So i did pretty well !.

I’m kind a worried, i know i shouldn’t be but of course its me ! I always worry about the littlest things anyways . I think Jeremy may be possibly annoyed with me ? .. im not sure, he may just be tired from work and such but who knows. Than again i do worry about too much.

My dad got my something for Easter .. A necklace and a Bracelet, i later find out that he found it from the lost and found of a school he cleaned up .. whatta cheap fuck , he makes me so disappointed sometimes, could he of least made an effort to give me some hope that he still wants me around ? .. Gives my brothers things that he bought and spent some time thinking about , but he gives me something he found randomly that didn’t have any thought put into . He was actually going to give it to his ex-girlfriend, but they ended up breaking up anyways .

Tomorrow is Jeremy’s and my one month together ! (: Time has passed by so much, whatta great month it has been , i am so happy with him (: He makes me so excited and giddy when i see him too (:

  Im starting to really miss my cousin .. I hope things work out and she decides that she still wants me in her life.. ):

April. 21. 2011

Today wasn’t that bad of a day actually, i had quite a bit of fun in socials, well it went by quickly. Than i walked to 711 with Jacy, and got lunch . But it was so cold ! It even snowed today ! ): It supposed to be spring, but no it decides it wants to snow. But than all of a sudden it was hot during the afternoon.. so weird ! I hope it sticks to being 17 degrees this weekend , that would be nice !

I gave Jeremy the Easter present i bought for him, i really hope he does like it. He said he really likes the baby blue teddy bear, ( : Its really cute , he named it Ducky. Whatta fruit cake , eh ?

I think tomorrow is Jeremy’s Easter dinner thing , I’m hoping i can go, i going to convince my mom to go to a movie with Randy so that i have more time to spend with Jeremy tomorrow, that is if he still wants to hang out with me, i really hope I’m not annoying him. I can tend to be annoying sometimes, i tend to annoy myself as well. loll, I’m still debating on seeing my dad this weekend, but I’m sure I’m not going to. I don’t need that kind of hurt and stress right now, my dad always finds a way to hurt me.. So i don’t want to have to deal with that again. He can see my brothers like he wants to anyways, he never had time for me and he never will.

My mom says that once i move out or get to the age where she doesn’t want me at home anymore she is going to move up north, the only thing that is stopping her from going is me, because i told her I'm not moving there just because i have all my schooling and career plans here, i can’t just pack up and leave and lose this opportunity. That would be just to insane, and i wouldn’t want to leave the family and friends i have here, not that i actually have to many friends here… I've lost contact with most of them, and well some of them are still pissed at me. Even thought the reasons are not that good. And on top of that, i don’t think I'd want to just pack up and leave Jeremy, that’s out of the question, i can already see a future here.

I’m going to start saving my money, yes i know .. i always say I’m going to do that.. But i always end up treating my friends or the guys that I’m dating at the time, its kind of an addiction for me.. Honestly i have spent more money on guys I’ve been with than any other person other than myself. I hope Jeremy doesn’t realize that, ha ha, because i really do like making people happy, and i find it difficult to find ways of making people happy, because i must be odd that way because i can never tell if something i do makes someone happy, but whenever i buy someone things they always seem so much more happier, i think that is why i spend money on other people. ITS AN ADDICTION … wow, now that i type all this out. i realize that it is.

Buuuut back to the point, i need to save my money. I’m getting a lot of money coming up here and I’ll probably spend some of it on Jeremy’s birthday present as well, but than I’ll save some of the money that i receive. Cause i want to buy something big ! Like money towards a car, or maybe to help pay towards my schooling, if i do get this apprenticeship.

 

   Quite an older picture, but oh well . I don’t feel like taking a picture right now .. Come to think of it, i need new pictures. I might do that tomorrow (:

April.19th.2011

I don’t want my kids to be fat Americans, so i am not going to be making a living off of McDonalds.

I wonder what its going to be like when i graduate and get a steady job, and I’m ready to get married and start a family, i really hope its all i can dream for. Because i can’t wait !

I hung out the my hunnie today (: The one, the only, JEREMY CHARD. (: He is such a sweetie, and makes me laugh and giggle all the time. When ever i am sad, just the thought of him being mine makes me happy. I can really see a future here, believe it or not. <3 Jeremy is my cuddle bunny, so i must buy him the Easter bunny ears i saw today in the store.

I bought Jeremy his Easter present today ! (: I’m not going to say what it is just yet thought because he might have the chance of reading this before i give him the present, so I'm not going to risk it , teehee.

Well today at school wasn’t as bad as i thought, other than the fact that i actually had to go.. lol, i lasted a FULL day in school .. mostly because Jeremy told me too, lmfao, and also because i don’t want to mess up my chances on getting the apprenticeship. I actually when to Baking class today, i made biscuits ! They were actually so good, actually i must say.. i didn’t make them, Kasey, my partner did.. She kind of took control and didn’t let me do anything ): But still at least she is a good baker (-:

Note to self: try and find food in the house so i can somewhat make lunches for school, i starve during the day… hopefully there will be money for my mom, cause we need it .. badly. I'm almost scared to eat the food because i think we are going to completely run out.

Jeremy Chard , isn’t he a cutie ! <3

April. 18th. 2011

Me and Jeremy’s one month will be on the 27th . its coming up so quickly, he has made this month so much happier for me, especially with everything that has been going on, with the step dad things, and the me wanting to move out, and with us having no money what so ever. Easter weekend is coming up pretty soon here, and I'm going to be having Easter dinner with Jeremy’s family (;

Jeremy’s family ( Cheryl and Mike) are so nice and funny, i feel like I'm fitting in already. Kaitl’n just informed me that she doesn’t want anything to do with me or Jeremy. That's her choice, i have not done anything to make her do that, but its how she feels at the moment, i know in the future she will take it back.

I don’t want to see my dad, who is coming up to visit this long weekend, hence the fact that i am staying with Jeremy instead of seeing him.

We are hopefully going to be moving back into town, i haven’t lived in town since i was 9! It will be much more easier that way, i can get a job and i can see my friends and boyfriend more.

I'm having a hard time staying in school , but i need to smarten up if i want to get into the cosmetology apprenticeship. NOTE TO SELF: get my fucking ass in class.

March. 31st . 2011 Thursday .

Things are starting to get bad again , we don’t have money. Its locked up, and i can tell my mom is having a hard time coping .. if i were to believe in god, id pray for my family to get through this rough patch in our lives. I’m taking it pretty hard beyond myself, i feel so useless and i want to do something to help .. but there isn't anything i can do to help.

Jeremy Chard <3 He’s a really sweet guy, and i have spent the last 2 weeks with him. He makes me feel really special, and i can be a complete idiot around him without any judgement. I’m holding off on all the deep emotions with him though, i wouldn’t know how he would feel about it, sometimes i do get scared of him though.. Just cause it seems in a split second that he may just disappear and not come back, i don’t know where this feeling may be coming from.. but its there. I'm just not used to it yet.  I feel really comfortable with him, usually i don’t show anyone anything of myself, but even with my body i am just about comfortable with him, yes i know there is nothing wrong with my body.. but i have had a lot of comments about it in the past so i haven’t been able to let people that far, and he has the same trust issue i do. And its nice to have that kind of common thing, so we don’t push each other passed that comfort zone just yet .

Tiana McMillan. ( In Jeremy’s bathroom )

March. 21st. 2011 Spring Break

I havnt wrote in my blog for a long ass time … cause well idk ,  i havent had much to write . Me And joe and not together , i am dating dylan and i dont think thats going to work out , im already losing feelings for him . Yes i know who’s Dylan ? He is a highschool drop out with no job and no home . Not a good idea for my stress right . haha

Well i am starting to like this new guys , but idk . I dont want to just keep going through guys , but ima try it out . I wanna first get to know him though . Not just jump right in it like the rest of them .

Oh btw, i dyed my hair back to normal (:

  Me and bria .

 

Wanna see you dylan is , il show yea .

  Thats dylan … yea i know . I’ve gotta move on now .

January.28th. 2011

I haven't wrote much at all .. I just haven't been up to it really .

Joes here ! , And tonight he is coming over and cooking me and my family dinner , Im so stoked ! ( :

Iv been kind of a bitch lately . but there's nothing i can really do about that . I just have a lot on my mind and i don't have a way to deal with it yet , soooo I'm just a super bitch , I’m trying my best to cheer up though .

I'm going to start to read again , i need a hobby so I'm hoping i can get back into reading . ( :

January . 20th . 2011

I'm still in a bit of pain , hopefully it goes away , i took some medication. It hasn’t kicked in just yet . I'm watching a movie with my mom , well sort of . Her DVD player sucks so it keeps on skipping WAY back whenever she hits pause , and that's been quite a bit since my brother Kobe keeps on interrupting , He should be going to bed soon anyways .

I wanted to go to school tomorrow , but i don't think i can  cause well mom says i can’t because ill probably hurt myself i didn’t agree until i started hurting again. It sure does such. The movie froze again . I guess this DVD player isn’t going to work . Anyways i cant wait till the pain goes away . Cause i can’t laugh without it hurting really badly , and i laugh continually with no reason at all . Which pisses me off.

I will have to go to school on Monday , i hope i am not in much pain cause i have my Math exam , I'm going to study tomorrow , cause i honestly have to . Even though every time i tell myself I'm going to study i don't , I HAVE TO . I just have to force myself to than ill be on it for hours . I just need to push myself to do something like i always do , even if its a good or bad thing .

Joe should be here any day now i hope. I can wait for him, i don’t mind waiting, my feelings for him won’t change any time soon at all. I just hope he feels the same way about me when he sees me in person for the first time. He makes me so happy , i think that's why I'm not so depressed about the surgery or anything bad that has happened in my life lately . Cause i always have him to make me smile , which is great cause i know if i didn’t have him to talk to i would just be a dramatic mess right now. I honestly do think i love him, well its not that i think it i feel it . Is it strange that i love someone that i haven’t even met , or touched. I'm sure its a very powerful thing , my hopes are that he feels the same way i do. I'm sure he does, well at least he says he does . I wish i could read minds. Or maybe just read feelings.

I'm going to start birth control on Saturday , rather sooner than later even though i don't expect to be having sex anytime soon. Might as well be safe than sorry because i don't want to go through this pain ever again .

 

P.S . I have finally signed up for the talent thing , modeling .. I don't think it will work out . It seems like a joke for me , but maybe it will be something i enjoy doing .. who knows .

 

January. 19th. 2011

Omg , i know i havnt wrote in my blog in a long long time . Iv been going through A ALOT lately .. Il tell you in a short story if i can .

Well iv already said that i was pregnant and that i was going to get an abortion . Well seems like i didn't have to , I miscarried , but that's not the ending result . I ended up having a tubal pregnancy . Meaning that the baby was growing in my fallopian tube .. Which is painful as fuck . Anyways , it died there which is good , meaning that it stopped growing which if i didn't it would have been more painful. Sooo i its Wednesday today, sooo Monday i went to the hospital again cause i was in pain and i was having heat flashes , i had a lot of “ personal “ tests done and found out that i needed surgery , well i had a choice , Either the DNC and a leperoskapy ( or however you spell it) Or a chemo shot that they give cancer patients ( a very low dose) that would clean out whatever was in there  . Either way i would have to stay in the hospital a couple of nights anyways . So i chose the DNC and L thing .

So i had that done last night , well technically at 430 in the afternoon and i woke up-ish from the narcotics at like 9ish , I got 3 cut hole thingers on my stomach now that will probably leave scars . But they did find the dead fetes in my right tube. Its very painful and but i feel much better today, thought id write all that , i know i spelt a lot of things wrong .. but i don't know all the scientific words i just know what they mean , lol.

But im not going to take picture today and post it , cause well i look and kinda feel like shit , so i prefer not to just yet .

This is a picture of how i did my hair last week .. just random ..

Anyways , Joe is going to be coming soon ! im so excited, i love him ( : i really do.

I wonder when the last time i blogged i guess il find out when i post this one , OOOo and iv missed about 2 weeks of school , and i have exams next week , i think im going to go to my Monday math exam. Math is kind of easy for me , and iv got a high grade in that class anyways , but science im hoping i can get an extension on it , so i don't fail the course ..

Well i might blog more often i hope , i need to write a lot more, keeps my mind and stuff on track . Anyways its like 9 at night , i dont know if im going to bed soon or not , who knows iv slept alot the past couple days .

January.10th.2011

Today was a quite scary eventful day .. I had one of my school teachers rush me to the hospital .. I had really bad cramping again today, seems like they think that i miscarried which is a good thing, better than the baby growing somewhere than my uterus… but there is a chance that it what it is.

They made me pee in a cup ! , they took 5 viles of my blood, i had a IV put in, i had someone was looking at my crotch .. not very comfortable.. and it was weird i swear they took a alien , octopus looking thing out of there, i just about passed out when i saw it, and so did my mom .. lots of blood today.. was crazy.. But the end result was i could leave the hospital and get another check up this week and if the bleeding gets worse i could have to get surgery ..

Anyways , when i left the hospital . Mom took me to A&W and i bought us 2 mama burgers each and fries to share. LOL , i was sooo hungery . After that i went home , i got into bed right away and fell asleep , i really needed to sleep. I woke up and felt a little bit better. ( :

Now im talking to the wonderful Joe,  hes talking how he is not a fruit hes just horny … longish story .

I don’t know if im going to be able to study much for my provicial exams .. but whatever, im doing well enough in all my classes anyways . ( : Mrs cooper pisses me off though, she works her students way to hard to be perfect . and she stresses me out, every time she speaks or if i hear her i get an instant headache.

Anyways , im debating if i  want to go to school tomorrow or not, i suppose it depends on how im feeling when i get up. ( Random fact atm : iv been thinking a lot about the future lately)

Countdown : 12 more days. ( a week and 5 days ( :   )

January . 9th . 2011

Heeee loveerrs me ( : !! Its so exciting . He makes me the happiest person ever. ( : His brother is freaking me out a bit though. Anyways I’ll be able to see him soon enough .

Today i went to matts house to see him and his new place plus his girlfriend who is pregnant and is due next month. Its pretty awesome actually , he lives in Armstrong.

We have Cloe now, cutest dog ever. Hopefully it works out , skittles is already getting used to the idea, but he is hanging around me more than ever . School is tomorrow, I'm waiting for me to get this “surgery” over with. So i can move on with my life. And continue to have a future with Joe , I really think we have a good chance of being together for a long time ( = .

I dont have much to say today, im really tired. AND THATS ONE OF THE THINGS I CANT WAIT TO GET RID OF. I hate being tired all the time, its the stupid pregnancy. I want to be excited to be having a baby but its a pain in my ass right now. Im way to young and i deserve to be happy since im only a teenager. I want to beable to have normal friends, family, and heartbreakers. I want to have a baby when im older and i have a full education and be excited. But for the time right now, its not exciting at all. ( : Other than my boobs getting really big, That’s the only upside to this thing… i also hate being fucking horny all the time, its sooo weird. Annnd it makes talking to people so much more fun tho, im pretty sure Joe is amused for the time being.

January. 8th 2011

I miss Joe more than ever . I think its kind of amazing how i can miss someone i haven’t met in person, I actually think i really truly love him. He’s amazing. And quite addicting, I’m not the clingly type but i really have this attraction to him that is quite strong. I really am excited to see him ( : They way he speaks to me is like a pretend fantasy world of mine, a dream of a guy that says and truthfully says the things i love to hear. Joe is like my Prince Charming. ( :
I’m much more happy now, i can do the things iv been always wanting to do. I’m planning my future, falling in love, and living the life I’m happy with. Its quite exhilarating.
I haven’t wrote much really, i know i should get back to it, i have just been in my head so much that i can’t seem to figure out what to write its all new to  me now, honestly i can see myself with Joe for a long time =)
Iv been watching a lot of movies lately. ( : just being completely happy. I miss Joe a lot though. He’s at his uncles and his phone doesn’t send out texts =/ .
But I’m going to go watch letters to Juliet ( : Peaccee  <33

Count-down : about 14 more days ! ( :

January.5th.2011

Today wasn’t a bad day at all , i just went to my first double block of science than my mom picked me up at lunch for my appt , but first we went to fatheads and got a really good poutine. than we went to the library for a bit ( :
We were laughing a bit ( : , its nice having that quality time with my mom. We do always joke around ! ( : I love my mommy so much , i don’t know what id ever do with out her ( :
Daily Update On the Famous JOE : Ha-ha , he’s an extra sweetie today , he seems to like me a lot, and I’m so happy about that (: He’s an amazing funny guy , i can’t get over on how much he matches my dream guy. ( : I’m super stoked to see him .
Not much to write in here , but its only 3:00 So who knows, i might right a part two tonight ( :
 
Countdown: 17 more days ! <3

January. 4th. 2011

First day back to school from winter vacation  (: It wasn’t bad  , other than getting a new pack of smokes and taking one out , while ALL of the smokes ended up in the snow , so i was trying my best to save them LOL . Failure … i know . I also wasn’t feeling so well too . It kind of sucked ! .
Texted Joe  a bit today , i wonder if i annoy him .. i should ask . But wouldn’t that be a weird question to ask ? I don’t know . lol , Im kind of REALLY stoked to see him for the first time , nervous but excited.
I have to get that stupid web-quest done. lol , Im just about done !! . ( : I’m also sending my copy to Austin Ridley so he can hand it in , and I’m sure Tyson Ridley is coming over later to copy it as well .. lol , what idiots. I better not get in trouble for it , i just rather not have to explain it all , it would take me hours  ! . And if im not getting paid for it , im not explaining it ALL . ( :
Ashley is starting to piss me off a bit, so goes through SOO many guys , its un-healthy. She’s got a new boyfriend, hes 20! Woooww eh ? Oh well , its her choice not mine. If it were me , i wouldn’t go that far.
Probably going to get the back of my neck pierced. (:
  Yes, i look super tired today.

Countdown : ( silly thing to do, but exciting) 18 more days .

January. 3rd.2011

I wasn’t going to write in here today , but since I’m waiting for Joe to have his smoke, i might as well ( : .
I stayed up until about 2 in the morning talking to him last night ( : , He’s a really nice guy , i think i can find myself really liking him. ( : , He a sweetheart , funny, and outgoing, not to mention quite good looking. Its nice getting to know him, we tend to have stuff in common. Which is nice ( : . Usually the guys i go after , we don’t really have anything in common. So if i start really liking Joe, than it may be a better thing for me, since we do have stuff in common. I love being able to joke around about stuff with him, without him getting defensive or anything like that . Its almost like a dream. (:
TJ and i had a big fight last night , I’m done with him. He treats me like shit, and expects me to just let it fly by . I don’t think so, he’s emotionally hurt me. And he’s done things that i will not forget, or get over. I don’t usually ever hold grudges , but i cant take it this time.
Back of my mind: I usually go after the assholes, don’t i. I really hope this routine changes, I’m 99% sure that Joe isn’t like any of them.
School starts back up tomorrow ! UGH , its not that i hate school or anything , its actually really easy for me .. ha-ha, but its the sitting there while people around me don’t get it , and i’m almost CONSTANTLY tutoring and helping other people do their work. Its not that i don’t like helping them, its just they rely on me more than learning from the teacher. Yes i may explain it better because i get the work. But its the fact that they fuck around in class while a teacher is teaching and than i have to be the one who’s taking notes and RE-EXPLAINING it to them afterwards lol.
Im not going to take a picture of myself today , even though i usually doo.. hahah , just look and feel like shit today . Anyways , i hope tomorrow goes as well as im expecting it will ( :

January. 2nd.2011

Last night i started talk to a really nice guy , Joe. (: He is such a sweetie ! I love trying to make him smile, he really wants to meet me in person . He’s an older brother of my brothers friend . (:  I hope i talk to him again real soon.

Today i got ready , and went to the mall . I got nice clothes and such , i also went to aunties place and hung out for a little while . Than my mom dropped me back off at the mall and i met up with Nickers and James. Where i met Kenny’s gf and cloe, Real nice girls (:, i ended up buying another shit from winners.

We went back to James place and hung out for a bit , nickers doesn't seem like a bad guy , he makes real smart remarks though . I got to try on Kristas hair extensions.. i really want some of my own now . LOL ! Overall a really good day

I somewhat ignored TJ today , not cause I'm a bitch . I just need some space, and he has been getting right on my nerves. =/ .

I kind of hope i do talk to Joe tonight (: He seems quite.. interesting.

January.1st.2011 New Years Day !

Yesterday night with my mom was soooo much fun, I learned a lot about my dad that i didn't know… he was such a playa . ! ) : I think of him so differently now. Its crazy. Me and mom took SOOOO many crazy funny pictures it was amazing ! (:

Today i don't know what i want to do .. I woke up , cleaned the kitchen now i don’t know. Well i did download a whole bunch of music, I don't think me an TJ are working out , I know he’s not trying at all, but the thing is.. I'm not trying either. So one of us is going to have to break it off and just be friends. Cause i am a changed person, still pregnant ( not for long though) but I'm a changed person (: . School is in a few days . So i want to go shopping tomorrow , since the mall is closed today. =/ I kind of wish i went out drinking with friends last night, but i wouldn't turn back time. Because i had lots of fun with my mom. Kobe ( youngest brother) fell asleep in my bed last night with me, i didn't know that till later on ha-ha. .

Bailey texted me this morning , we usually don't talk about stuff. But we did, well not very much stuff. but it still counts LOL . I wonder how many people changed over the holiday.. I’m kind of curious. (: This semester of school is just about over, than one more to go and than I’ll be done Grade 10 and on to Grade 11. Its crazy !! (:

I wonder what else I'm going to do today, i think i need to go boy hunting again. I'm getting a little bored… Never know who you can meet (: