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December.31st.2010 New Years Eve.

Well i broke down today , it was cause i finally realized that if i couldn’t admit it to myself that i was pregnant , OR anything like that , it means I’m for sure not ready to have a baby at 15. I’m going to get an abortion. Its the best thing to do , i still am a kid. It would be kind of weird, A kid having a kid…. =/. And i have so much time to have a kid (:.

When i become pregnant and am going to have a baby, i want to be excited and happy about it. Not scared about what people will think, and how im going to live at home with my parents, and finished high-school and everything. TJ is obviously happy about it . My mom i know she is not as stressed. Just Randy needs to find out, because he freaked out last night apparently.. which is horrible. He just got back from the hospital 4 in the morning.

School is on the 4th i think, and well im going to have to deal with it. Oh a weird random fact. Im bleeding, that could be a small sign that the baby is dying or that its just implantation bleeding.. Who knows…

Anyways , today i cleaned my WHOLE room, and i am now thinking about having a nap , or watching a movie. But my moms not home at the moment, so i guess im going to have to wait to have a nap. Im so tired though . Moms going to pick me up a movie to watch tonight … AGAIN I'm spending New Years Eve ON MY OWN !. Its kind a sad… 2009 i was alone.. 2010 i was dating Gary and he lives in prince Rupert… 2011 TJ is at home all the way in town and mom said i should stay home, just in case the baby dies in me and i have a lot of pain. Well i think im going to watch a movie or something.

December.30th.2010

Yesterday it was confirmed that i am Pregnant . I can admit it to myself now . Mom is a little freaked out … I’m not sure exactly what I’m wanting to do .. but I think im going to keep the baby. Me and Ekco talked today, and she gave me a lot to think about. And I'm thankful that i don't feel like the only one who is or has gone through it . Amanda has but she recently had a kid, she hasn't faced most of the challenges.. and i realize that now. But its reality, I'm pregnant. And TJ is the father. I told TJ, at first he said that he will kill himself if i keep it, and that he wont want to be involved. But he hasn’t broken up with me.. yet. He said that he might stay, its just the one thing he told me sort of bothered me.. “ Just so you know…. i wouldn’t have said anything bad.. and i would stay if you could have just said “i love you” . And i know i have some sort of love towards TJ . I told him that , and he said that he might stay , i really want to know if he will or not ..

I'm quite scared to find out what Randy has to say to me.. Mom told him, and he texted me saying that. “we need to talk” Its frightening when someone says that to me.. But i guess i have to face it, especially if i choose to make a really big decision that is going to change my whole life , for my whole life. =\

TJ still is wanting to hang out with me, and talk. He invited me to come to his dads for New Years Eve . Hopefully it works out . (: No fighting and stuff. The one thing is, i kind of have to bail out of hanging with Kaitlin . Maybe i won’t have too . =) Who knows.

I Spent the night at Amanda's last night, we talked about a whole bunch. And i help Maya lots. Honestly i could picture myself doing that . I don't know, it just kind of feels right .

December.29th.2010 Walk in Clinic

Well today im going to go to the walk in clinic and see what happens, it would probably be more better if i waited to go to my family doctor on the 4th . But i can’t wait , i want any possible “answers” as i can, I know im not saying much about it on here. But im not ready to admit it to the world just yet. Trust me, it might even be sooner than i would think. LOL . Im all dressed up, hair , and makeup. I want to feel pretty today, Because the past couple days .. iv felt like complete SHIT. and i really just want to feel like a nice looking girl today, instead of the troll looking one that i feel inside.

My mom is taking this quite lightly .. with my decision i didn’t think she would. But we are more worried about how Randy is going to react than anything.. Im not sure, the one thing i don’t him to do.. is just get up and leave. Im sure thats what my mom is worried about as well . I want things to go smoothly .. all we have to do is get over this “telling people” hump and we will go from there. But we are still slowly working our way up the MOUNTAIN first .

I swear i look somewhat like a fish in this picture, trust me i look better in person. (:

December.28th.2010

Travis officially is upset with me.. Just cause im dating TJ . What the fuck am i supposed to do in this situation. Travis isn’t here to help me, he’s going to college. All i know that i need to do is just worry and care about myself more than anyone else right now, i need to decide on what i am wanting to do.  I woke up in the middle of the night last night, i had a dream that i made the wrong decision and than i was crying when i woke up . So i think that could possibly be a sign?. I’m not sure yet.. Still have to go to the doctor before i get way to stressed out about it .

Travis is doing everything that he knows that would make me upset. So i blocked him from skype, MSN , and i removed him from my Face-book, Until he smartens up and accepts the fact that i’m with TJ . When he was with Kate i got over it. He didn’t even ask me out !! TJ did. I waited 3 months for Travis, and he thinks i’ll leave TJ for him just cause he said “ He was going to ask me out on Saturday” I dont think so, he such a little liar. But whatever, he can do what he pleases. I got way to much to worry about at the moment .

I’m not sure on what im wanting to do honestly . There is pros and cons to both, but im sure im not going to go through that stress again of just leaving… it hurt. And i got really depressed on the decision i made.

I miss my friends from school , i shall see them all again in about a week, when school starts up again.

I got to quit smoking.. i kind of am though. It makes me feel sick when i smoke now, and i know why of course. But its a good thing that too cause than it will prevent me from smoking .

PS. i look like shit today .

December.27th.2010

Well yesterday i went to go shopping.. but I'm going to save my money .. cause well I'm going to need the money later on anyways . I also went to TJ’s place yesterday for his family dinner. I got along with everyone . It was really fun actually, joked around, played WII, ate turkey dinner. I told TJ.. and he doesn’t to have it. But its still my decision right. But he also asked me out after i told him, so i am not dating him. (: that’s and up-side to things. I spent the night at his place too (:, My stomach was bothering me a bit last night too . Now smoking is making me feel sick.. so i might as well quit , right?

Ryan is getting on my nerves… STILL he keeps on asking me questions.. like he’d be like “how are you” id reply “tired” and he would ask “ why so tired” and id be ‘d like “idk” and he’d ASK “ how do you not know” LIKE WTF. UGH! I got to much on my mind and I’m always tired, but just because i told him what is happening to me , he has to get into my business and want to talk about it , but its not his subject to talk about. Its a very sensitive subject for me..

Anyways, TJ got my this HUGE stuffed monkey for Christmas its soooooo CUTEEE . (= i love it. I hope TJ has changed… i really do . I want to be able to trust him. He says he loves me.. but I'm not ready to say it back just yet.

December. 26th. 2010 Boxing Day

Well today I'm going to the mall with my Mom , and two brothers . I'm probably just going to go to Lasenza with my gift card that randy got me for Christmas. I have another gift card for Zellers/The Bay and i have $100 but I'm probably just going to save that for something later on. I don’t know if i want to spend that stuff yet.. I got a lot going on in my head right now. I’m probably going to TJ’s tonight. I have my gift for him.. so i hope he likes both of them. And apparently he has something for me.. doubt il like it.. but who knows. Its probably something sexual … And that bothers me. =/ I might be hanging out with Amanda and Stefani tomorrow. So since I'll be doing that.. I'm not for sure if i actually want to go to TJ’s … Thinking about it still . I’m not feeling so well today either.. Ryan is starting to bug me a bit. But he is just worried and concerned about me… so its understandable. I actually wish i didn’t put on makeup today.. but its a bit to late for that LOL . Well i guess il figure out what to do, when i can.. =/. I want my mom to meet TJ. Anyways.. might not blog for a few days.. BTW my doctors office doesn’t open up again ‘til January 4th !!

December.25th.2010 Christmas Day

Today i woke up at like 5. Got my brother Kobe out of bed, woke up my mom . And than we eventually got Ashton out of bed , I had to make coffee though . lol, We opened presents too obviously . Well i just some surprising newss.. i dont know what im going to do .. honestly , i really should put some thought into it . And aparently if i make a certain decision than someone has threatened to kill themselves . Or at leave not help, and run away . Honestly from my point , i wouldnt care if they didnt help me . It will be sad that they arn’t there but , its not their decision on what i do , its mine. Amanda is giving me great advice, and i love her for that. She has already been through what i might have to go through . I am somewhat watching the new twilight movie that i got for christmas; eclipse. Ohh i have to make a doctors appt for next week , i cant forget . I think my mom is upset with me , well maybe more worried and confused than upset . But im not sure , i know she will support my decision , i dont know about randy though .. im more worried about what he would think than my own fathers thoughts . I still neeed to look into things. We shall see what happends .(: All i know right now, is that im really tired and i got a headache .

December.24th.2010 Part 2

Well im back , I just about finished my science webquest . I got my mom to pick me up “something” from the store . Guess il find out tomorrow hopefully . And mom loved her birthday chocolates . ITS CHRISTMAS TOMORROW . omg im so excited , i just recived the christmas present from Auntie Jody in Fort st John , I wonder what they might be … I dont know what i wanted to blog again , i guess im just bored . Im listening to avril lavigne right now . (: Well i guess i should wait to blog tomorrow .. this was just random . 

December, 24th, 2010 . Christmas Eve/Moms Birthday

I woke up this morning to my cat licking my face , thats just great .. I had a shower and i decided i was going to clean the house for my mom , since its her birthday , its like 8:26 in the morning . And im waiting for her to come home . (: Ashton is being a stuck up asshole like usual . I can’t wait til he grows up ! That will be the day i accept him as my brother . And i dont understand how Kobe is so stubborn .. I ask him to do something as simple as help ME clean up his toys for mom , and he has to make a big scene over it . Me and travis are talking again , Which makes me quite happy . (:. I dont know what im going to do today , Most likely just hanging out with my mom, i think its like her 39th birthday today . I wonder when she is coming home , i made coffee for her and everything , im going to text her.. Hopefully she replies .. LOL , im probably going to wake her up , but its her birthday so its okay .. even know i wake her up when she is at randys all the time , It kinda bugs me that she doesnt really sleep at the house anymore .. Id kinda like it if i could wake up and know my mom is here in the house … but nope , i always have to re-think it and say oh wait no , moms not here shes at randys .. again . Cause i hate cleaning up after Kobe and Ashton all the time , im sure mom hates that as well , guys are such pigs. I found out that Logan has grown up FAST , hes not 5’11 when he used to be like 5 inches shorter than me … im only 5’7 . And he has slimmed out to . Its amazing , im so happy for him . I miss Tannis , Auntie Kim, and Logan very much . Maybe i can go visit them sometime soon , (: . Well im probably going to write more in my blog later .. Peace out . (: <3

December.23.2010

Today was an alright day , i woke up at my grandparents place and we opened gifts when everyone woke up . I got a laptop , which i am writing with now . And than i just played on it all day til about 1 o’clock and than we had turkey dinner , after that my grandparents drove me and my brothers home . Tomorrow is my moms birthday. Christmas eve i know its crazy . Im so tired , i got so much on my mind , its kinda crazy , i just wanna know if i am or if im not. The other day i went to see Amanda’s baby , Maya. She is so cute ! I love her already . (: So we finally figured out how to get the wireless working thank god , and im probably going to just live in my room now , lol . I have a science webquest i should start .. i need the text book first .. i should text Austin about that …….

Just texted him . lol , that was easy enough . You know what would be different .. if i ended up being pregnant , a few people think i am , and i havnt even confirmed it or said anything at all.. kind of makes me wonder . That would be crazy if i was , id most likely keep it though. I wouldn’t want to get an abortion . Amanda says that i will be alright if i am , she says it is hard work , but it gets easy . All you need is a routine , and thats easy enough for me . I live my life by routines pretty much.